Body concepts: Boyish Admirations

September 29, 2018

A poem I may only ever truly understand:



I bit my lip until the deep purple lipstick that was mistaken for black 

wore away on the bottom right side

I could taste it in the corners of my mouth 


No one noticed how I checked my phone screen over and over

or in the windows on the street

like they were giant mirrors

the ones we danced in front of back when we were 6

figuring ourselves out


now when i look into the mirrors I pick myself apart

like ripping out blades of grass


sitting at the park 

"What do I do now?"

Rubbing the leg hair begging it would suddenly smooth away

Asking for permission to play in the street with the boys

They left me behind


I'm in the dust

blasted with hay fever

figuring myself out


I shaved my pencil to a nub because all the boys were doing it

But then I couldn't get the good shadow on her breast

my self portrait could somehow be copied

and my identity shared

my feminine figure was something

to achieve

to be captured flawlessly

at that time, it felt stolen


It's been 17 years 

the scar on the tip of my top lip is there from biting and picking it off

over and over

A part of me still is in waiting to be picked first


trying to create the perfect shadow

upon my breast

instead i roll up my pants

flaunting the hairs I grew myself

Admiring the shadows that made my figure a little less 

a little more me


a little more of "I choose myself first"


Dance like no one was watching

Ran like I wasn't racing a damn soul

Drew like the standards for "fine art" didn't exist


Looking into the mirror 

playing with shadows is more fun now

When leg hairs glisten in lamp light

and the black lipstick turns purple













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