Today I was tested in my patience. I felt restless. In my restlessness I often find an impulsiveness were I regress into wanting everything just handed to me or presuming that it will be. I remember this quote I saw: "Maybe you manifested it, maybe it's white privilege". I bring this quote up because it displays how where I come from, and what I am working on breaking down, is how much of my life, learning, and day-to-day stability has been. If I'm completely honest, I suppose I didn't have to work very hard to achieve it. It's what I always knew.
Instead of separating and moving backwards, I am working on integrating. Whether the many words of wisdom I hear from deep within myself, or with the words from my mentors, educators, friends, and copious inspirational videos I have watched or even in the careful contemplation of natural form and wonder. I am working on Becoming instead of be-goings, or be-gones, or be-cames:
I want the moment suspended in the present. The moment right before my foot touches down: Stepping willfully into the next breath of beginning.
The magic of becoming: Becoming you, becoming healed, becoming aware of your humanity. Becoming is made up of bits of dark stuff and the light stuff. It is laughter as it is tears. It is stillness as it is running. The process of becoming is not your wildest, most vivid dream. It is the nightmare, too.
My first misconceptions: I entered into this grand adventure with some presumptions that I would be able to "just go" and be welcomed into indigenous communities immediately, even when a part of me knew otherwise. Along with that, I had this silly whisper-of-a-belief that once I arrived I would suddenly become this super human and everything would fall into place. Um, nope. Everything takes time. Regardless, I have been able to find all that I need so far.
Hell, my tarot readings said most of this would happen. Some people often have reserves about Tarot readings. Often times we live in a fantasy and forget the antagonist that always attempts to destroy what is good. Sometimes we need to do shadow work to understand more deeply your relationship with light.
September 29th, 2018
I'm working on:
-relationship building + asking strangers for help
-looking closely at who you represent/what inspires you in the world