I have lost so much of myself here… in the comings and goings of experience. Which makes sense, to see the reflections of "me" in the places I have been... In the lost and found children. In the nomadic wanderers... The wild and restless dancers... In the stressful in-betweens... I see me more clearly each passing week and quite honestly if I hadn’t had the opportunity to walk through the inner workings of my outer world, I wouldn’t be equipped to do any of the work I want to do. I wouldn’t be able to see clearly the laws of Being, the loss of Being and the truth in our world. Lessons are everywhere and our integrity comes from acknowledging who we have been, and how it makes us who we are.
I have to have my expectations completely shattered, my dreams twisted and decomposed, to realize i'll may arrive back “home” nearly empty handed but willing to step into my future with a new understanding of my voice and place in the world. IS that enough? I ask myself every day. To look my lies dead on and accept where I was conditioned to stray so far, far away from who I am and to put them on this table for the witness.
I want to say I have had this tremendous experience where I can prove myself to the world… have something Real and tangible to show for it but all I have is my body and the heart center I so desperately wanted to find. The universe is 73% dark matter. Truly unknown. In this realization, in the people I have met who are BEYOND beautiful, inspiring, creative people, I know I was meant to be where I am, for if i regret any of this I would be de-valuing the paths that brought all of those souls where they are, devaluing the exchange of words, ideas, and sounds.
At times I nearly believe i have no integrity at all… you win some you lose some, i have spoken too soon many-a-time but in the end it showed me that the only one I owe integrity to is myself.
Lessons to speak into my inner world: Be honest to the children. Honor their choices. Allow hurt and failure. Stop labeling and looking for external validation. Fully let go when you feel hooked on something that hurts. Surrender.
I am more ready to show up and be present in the world than I was when i left and i still have 5 months to go. My ideas are clearer, my visioning is motivated and giving back to the community I dwell is more important than I could have imagined. So far, I have learned just that. That is really all. I don't have books on language (yet) or deeply immersive stories from aboriginal communities (there is a reality to this, more on that later). Australia so far has shown me what i denied in myself. It showed me my fears and what I am not ready for and what I must have patience for. Most of those endeavors take TIME and willingness to show up over and over again. It has told me to go home and connect with what matters and to actualize my dream, not to invest it all here because I have responsibility back home. I have been pushed to learn of my ancestors and to not remain lost in a sea of noise but to dance into an ocean of resonance with where I come from instead of latching onto someone else's tradition for my own salvation. That resonance can only be found in each and every one of us. That sound of your own heart that drives you.
Don’t waste moments doing something that weighs you down, that you dread. Love it and work hard for it. Allow yourself to be shattered by your preconceived ideas of purpose. Go through the shadow and find the seed of light because it is there and only know only you have the water to nourish it.